Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Top 10 Reasons Why That Biker isn't Getting Out of Your Way

I'm writing this because it only just now occurred to me that many drivers don't actually realize that the vast majority of bikers on the road aren't vindictive assholes trying to ruin their day, but actually have legitimate reasons for being in front of their car. So in the interest of greater understanding and daily-commute-tranquility, I present here the top ten reasons that you can't slam alternately on the gas and then brakes.

10. Have you noticed any potholes? Yeah, they make your car ride a little bumpy--but if they could shred your tire or wheel and send you hurtling into oncoming traffic, you'd dodge them too.

9. When was the last time you thought "I wonder if there's a biker coming down the bike lane" before opening your car door? Biker's think about how often drivers have this thought all the time. We're in your head.

8. The light is red. Calm down.

7. Did you know it's actually the law that bikers have to be in the road?

6. Don't worry, we're just trying to spare you the unbearable pain of tailgating the car that's directly in front of us.

5. Are you about to turn right? Surprisingly, when asked, most bikers do not prefer to have to slam on the brakes when you make that un-signaled turn.

4. Fact: the biker is not actually in your way; you're just not that used to having to pay attention.

3. Actually, we're very concerned for your gas-mileage. Did you know your car is much more efficient at 15 M.P.H.?

2. You don't want to go home to your hollow suburban life, anyway. We know the best part of your day is rockin' out to some Led Zepp on the commute home.

And the number one reason why that biker is in front of you:
1. We're all vindictive assholes, and this is how we get back at you for dumping a bunch of carcinogens into our lungs, destroying the global climate, ruining urban environments, and for all the strip-malls across the country.